Cultural Conditioning
Welcome to the holiday season. A time of great joy for some and exacerbated burn out for others.
One of the reasons this time of year leaves us susceptible to burn out is the ease with which we can fall victim to the culturally conditioned pressure to create a picture-perfect holiday for ourselves or loved ones. Cultural conditioning is a process through which we absorb and interpret the influences, norms, and messaging from our environment and translate them into what we believe to be acceptable behaviors.
We receive and internalize messaging from all of the different groups we are a part of–our families, friends, colleagues, etc. The messages we receive vary based on where we live, what we do for work, our religion, our gender, race, socioeconomic status, etc. but we are universally influenced by cultural conditioning. Sometimes cultural conditioning is helpful, allowing us to exist harmoniously in society, and sometimes the internalized messages we receive are harmful to our well being and may contribute to burnout.
We can mitigate the effects of cultural conditioning by:
Building awareness about cultural conditioning
Getting clear on our values
Acting from our values
Building Awareness
Becoming aware of the way our behaviors and values have been shaped by culture allows us to have agency in letting go of what is no longer serving us. Culture is deeply embedded in our psyche and is often imperceptible to us. David Foster Wallace shares this anecdote:
Here are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says ‘Morning, boys. How’s the water?’ And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes ‘What the hell is water?’
Transformational travel is uniquely well suited to allow us to build awareness about the culture through which we swim, so to speak. Leaving all that is familiar and confronting the contrast of other cultures allows our culturally ingrained beliefs, assumptions, and attitudes to become more obvious. Whether you are taking time off this holiday season or staying put, I encourage you to carve out time to reflect on how culturally conditioned thinking or behaviors contribute to your burnout.
Three ways of thinking/behaving that are both strongly reinforced by culture and contribute to burnout are The Three P’s–People Pleasing, over-Performance, and Perfectionism.
People-pleasing – An attempt to make others happy while disregarding your own needs and desires. You may struggle to say no, apologize for things that are not your fault, and depend on validation from others to feel confident. If you do put your needs ahead of others, you will feel guilty for doing so. Often people-pleasing involves mind reading; you may be overfunctioning in ways no one even asked for.
Over-Performance – The result of trying to do too much in too little time. We often hope that our efforts will be recognized and praised by others. We also hope that over performing will protect us from other’s criticism and judgment.
Perfectionism – An unrealistic expectation that you must achieve or perform perfectly. Perfectionists obsess about tiny or inconsequential details and avoid anything that may result in failure. Anything short of perfection leads to feelings of inadequacy and they may berate themselves for making a mistake.
If you recognize yourself in any or all of these Ps, you are not alone. These are common strategies that are intended to keep us safe, successful, and loved by others. And these strategies work, at least in the short term. Eventually, however, these strategies will backfire. People-pleasing leads to resentment and self-neglect. Over performance is a huge driver of the stress and exhaustion common in burnout. Research suggests there is a “paradox of perfectionism,” wherein the impossible pursuit of flawlessness generates anxiety and concentration barriers that actually leads to underperformance.
Getting Clear on Our Values
Maslach, who created the Maslach Burnout Inventory, identifies inconsistency between the personal values you bring to your profession and the values inherent in the organization where you work as one of the six workplace drivers of burnout. Getting clear on our values can both help us untangle ourselves from the trap of maladaptive narratives that contribute to burnout.
One way to get clear on your personal values is to look back on your own professional life. Consider these reflection questions:
Reflect on a time in your life when you were happiest.
What were you doing?
Were you with other people? Who?
What other factors contributed to your happiness?
Recall a time when you were the most proud?
Why were you proud?
Did other people share your pride? Who?
What other factors contributed to your feelings of pride?
Consider a time when you were the most fulfilled and satisfied.
What need or desire was fulfilled?
How and why did the experience give your life meaning?
What other factors contributed to your feelings of fulfillment?
Acting from our Values
Dismantling dominant cultural and personal ideologies that contribute to burnout requires developing adaptive alternative mindsets and behaviors that allow us to act from our values. When considering alternatives to The 3 P’s, people-pleasing, overperformance, and perfectionism, be mindful about black and white thinking. The opposite of people-pleasing is not people-disappointing or people-aggravating. The opposite of over-performance is not giving up and not caring. The opposite of perfectionism is not aiming for mediocrity or being messy.
An alternative to people-pleasing can look like having healthy boundaries, self-advocating, assertiveness, loving limits, negotiating, finding win-win solutions, etc. People who have recovered from people-pleasing are able to say no when something exceeds their bandwidth or does not serve them. We cannot please everyone. The goal is to make intentional choices about who we are going to disappoint
An alternative to over-performance can look like modulating your effort based on what’s truly important. Burnout erodes our ability to step back and see the forest for the trees. We tend to put our head down, nose to the grindstone, and give all tasks 100% even if they only require 60%. Ideally your approach to life and work is dynamic. You can care deeply about something, engage in it, let go of what you can’t control, rest if you need to, and then engage in that task again.
An alternative to perfectionism can look like an acceptance that no one, including you, is perfect. Mistakes are responded to with self-compassion; we talk to ourselves the same gentle and encouraging way we might talk to a friend. Responding to ourselves with gentleness allows us to better learn from our mistakes and give us the courage and resilience to try difficult tasks.
Consider these reflection questions to gain insight on how you may better act from your values
Which of The Three P’s or any other narratives that contribute to burnout are the biggest drivers of burnout?
What mental flexibility do I need to continue my relationship with this role or work I care so much about?
Are there creative ways to maintain what is working about these strategies and let go of what is not working?
Given what I know about the impact of culturally conditioned narratives that contribute to burnout, am I prepared to let go of some responsibility, guilt, or shame for having burnt out?
How would you like to transform or reinvent your perspectives or behaviors to ameliorate or prevent future burnout?
How would you like to respond to requests for your time/energy? Develop an alternative default to people-pleasing or saying yes. Establish a new rule for yourself, e.g. give yourself a few hours or a few days to ask yourself, “Do I want to do this?” If so, is it driven by excitement or fear? What am I giving up by saying yes to this? Are there social opportunity costs, e.g. does it take away time from family/friends. Write a script, e.g. Let me think about that.