BINGO!
Like food, water, and shelter, humans require meaning and purpose. Our American culture tells us that this meaning and purpose should come from work. One of the first things we ask strangers is, “What do you do?” And we expect to hear what they do for work. You could throw a rock and hit a TV show that glamorizes the workplace, depicting it as the center of people’s social lives and identities. We are told, “If you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life.”
Well I think that’s bull shit.
If we expect work to be our main source of meaning and purpose, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We are more likely to take on a heavier workload, have poor work-life balance, and be overly emotionally invested, which can lead to chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, and eventually burn out. Burn out is characterized by poor job satisfaction, lower perceived competence and productivity, and diminished empathy toward the clients or consumers we are trying to help. Ironically, caring too much about work robs us of the very meaning and purpose we were trying to achieve.
So how do we get to a Goldilocks place somewhere in the middle where we find some meaning and purpose in work without making it the center of our lives? I have some suggestions:
Do less at work.
See if you can make work take up as little emotional and physical energy as possible while maintaining a high enough standard of work. I am the self-described queen of this high standards, low output concept. I managed to graduate summa cum laude from undergrad by being very strategic with my schedule. I would always take one pass/not pass class every quarter so that I could focus on getting A’s in my other classes. As they say, work smarter not harder.
Paradoxically, you may have to put in real work to figure out how to do less work. Hire a coach (like me!), journal, or work with your therapist. Ask yourself the hard questions: Where are you creating work for yourself based on perceived vs real expectations? How have your values been shaped by social conditioning–e.g. the Protestant work ethic, hustle culture, the patriarchy–and how do those values serve you? Where are you letting people pleasing or lack of assertiveness skills get the better of you? What dynamics from your family or origin are you bringing into the workplace and making things more difficult?
Expect less from work.
Have realistic expectations. Do not believe that you need to be generating a legacy, saving lives, or changing the world for your work to be sufficiently meaningful. Find meaning in the small things, e.g. building positive relationships with colleagues, contributing in a small way to a functioning society, or the simple pride of putting a roof over your pet's head. The janitor who appreciates their own indispensable role in the functioning of a hospital may have higher job satisfaction than the ER doc saving lives. We don’t need to be performing miracles or running ourselves ragged to be worthwhile, contributing members of society.
Rather than focusing on getting rich, accomplishments or accolades, aim for the “do no harm” principle. Don’t make or sell weapons, destroy the environment, or exploit people, ya know. And also–please do not forget this–do no harm to yourself. Choose work that isn’t soul crushing, that doesn’t make you want to crawl into a hole at the end of the day, or give you Sunday Scaries all week long. Doing no harm while generating income is enough. In fact, if you pull this off then I think you’re crushing it.
Do more outside of work.
Ooh ooh ooh, I love this one. Find meaning and purpose outside of work! I am passionate about helping other people de-center work in their lives. Your employers do not deserve the best 8 hours (or more) of your day. Despite what some workplaces would like us to believe, the workplace is not a family. We are more dispensable than we would like to admit. If you were fired, quit, or went on a long medical leave, your workplace would continue to function. And even if you work for yourself, there is so much more to life than earning a living. On teeter totter of a work/life balance, allow life to rise above as a priority.
It will be easier to prioritze living vs working if you feel motivated to do so by a rich, exciting, passionate non-work life. Why would you put in the hard work of figuring out how to do less work if all you were making time for is watching Netflix or scrolling on your phone? How can you expect less meaning and purpose from work if there is no identifiable source of meaning and purpose elsewhere?
A former therapist coworker of mine at a non profit that served traumatized former foster youth had twins and was surprised to find that it actually improved her burnout. The demands of parenting two infants forced her to be more efficient at work, work ceased to be her primary source of meaning, and she began to find delight in her non-work hours in a way she had not done so previously. But you don’t have to get pregnant with twins to feel less burned out. Just muster the energy to create fun and fulfillment outside of work hours. Get a hobby, plan a vacation, or invent an engaging game with your friends.
I’ve been really excited about making personalized activity bingo cards lately. I went to a lindy hop festival in Oakland this past weekend and stayed in a giant Airbnb with 17 of my friends. The weekend consisted of dance classes all day and dance socials all night. At the beginning of the weekend, we made a bingo card with activities to accomplish over the weekend, e.g. social dance with a teacher, fall on the dance floor, offer to tie a stranger’s shoe, and try a brave thing in class. Many of us got bingo and one person checked off all 25 squares! Now we’re working on another non-lindy-hop-festival specific bingo card. And once someone wins, we will probably just start again.
Does it sound like a lot of work? Yeah, it kind of is. Having fun takes effort. I stayed up way too late dancing and talking with friends and I’ve been tired this whole week. I don’t believe that my work (both the work I do for myself and the work I do for an employer) deserves the best, most creative and generative hours of my week. I make a point to give the majority of my sweet, precious, finite time and energy to pursuits that fill me with joy. If fun and fullfilling activites leaves me with a little less energy or enthusiasm for work, so be it. Wear yourself out. Go to work tired.
Want to make a bingo card for yourself or for a group? Here are some instructions:
The activities in each square should encourage fun, laughter, adventure, vulnerability, creativity, community building, or things that improve our world.
Items must be specific and measurable. Instead of something like “dance more,” a better example would be, “Take a dance class in a style of dance you’ve never tried before.”
The best items are not too easy but also not too hard. Think “run a 5K” vs “win the Olympics.”
Items should be accessible for everyone, e.g. not require certain anatomy or a lot of money to achieve. You should be able to achieve the thing within several months.
Just like in Bingo, the first person to check off 5 in a row wins!
Some examples:
Go backpacking
Visit a hot spring you’ve never been to before
Paint or draw a portrait of someone and gift it to them
Teach someone a new skill
Write a song
Perform at an open mic
Host a beach clean up
Make a time capsule
Host a theme party
Organize a game night
Ask someone to help you in a way that stretches your comfort zone
Write a missed connection
Ok, now go have fun!